|Nutshells, They're back, its a fact, if you try and take what's mine...I'll take it back. Yo. submitted 2012.01.05 10:44 PM by sharpie viewed 2098 times|
|Let's see if I remember how this is done. As one or two of you may have noticed, I have been completely unnoticed in my nearly four year absence. But here we go.|
Time to dust off some Nuts(hells) ?see what I did there? Yeah, I still got it.
1. I really should have seen this coming?
I have failed as a parent and am deeply ashamed of the horrible job I have done raising my children thus far. I have three kids. A nine year old, a five year old and a three year old. (Girl, Girl, Boy respectively)
All seemed to be going along swimmingly when two nights ago, my nine year old starts an innocent enough conversation with me.
Gracie: "Dad, what is your FAVORITE song EVER?like of all time?"
Me: "That is an impossible question for me to answer. I have favorites for situations, but nothing that would qualify under "all time" status.
Gracie: "Whatever Dad, you have to have a favorite. Everyone has something they like more than anything else."
Me: "Look kid. I have enough music on my computer that I could put the songs on random and never hear the same song twice for eleven days. Let's just say I have situational favorites and leave it at that."
Gracie: "That sounds really stupid."
Me: "Oh really? How stupid does a roundhouse kick to the neck sound? Yeah, that's what I thought."
Gracie: "Dad? DAD! Are you daydreaming about threatening to roundhouse kick me again?"
Me: "What? No, don't be ridiculous, I stopped doing that like?weeks ago. So?uh? What's your favorite song then smartypants?"
Gracie: "Oooooh, its soooooo good. It's called BLOW by KE$HA."
Me: "Wha- wh- YOU'RE NINE! How did you manage to get exposed to that crap? That's not good music. Hell kid, it barely qualifies as music. I am actually pretty sure KE$HA is not actually a real person. She's the sentient mess of crap that is left over after stripper glitter, Herpes puss and very, very bad yeast infection decide to collaborate on some sort of anti-afterschool special encouraging teen pregnancy and advocates trying to get a high score on an STD test."
Gracie: "Huh? What's Herpes? Dad, you're weird"
Me: "Where do you hear this abomination?"
Gracie: "My iPod."
Me: "WHAT?! How did you get that crap on your iPod?"
Gracie: "I was listening to Pandora and I liked it, so I had mom buy it for me."
Me: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Gracie: "Dad, are you okay? You're not going to have another seizure are you? You don't look good, you should go sit down."
Me: "No, I am not going to have another seizure and I am sitting down."
At this point, my head begins swimming with all of the super kick-ass playlists I have built for her over the years to help nurture her tastes in music into something I can be proud of. Something that she can be proud of. Something that doesn't make me want to throw a 200.00 iPod at her enabling mother for allowing that crap.
By the way, the "song" "BLOW" after forcing myself to hear it in its entirety, was discovered to be about neither of the two connotations of Blow that I had come to mind immediately upon associating it with that creature that is called KE$HA.
2. Well? fuck it. I have grown up.
I'm pretty sure a good dick joke or a really awesome fart is still on the list of longest running jokes that never expire. I am still the best person in my household at any videogame that passes through the threshold. I would still smoke pot on a daily basis if I were not contractually bound not to, just to keep myself gainfully employed.
Now, to contradict my personal preferences? I have to admit, that I am a lame as fuck, suburban shit head.
Twice a year, I am seated in the front row at 4 different ballet recitals (2 for each girl)
Every Fall, I spend the hours after work but before dark either at soccer practice or a soccer game. Cheering louder than the other assholes and threatening physical violence upon the parents of that one little bitch who can't seem to figure out how to pass the goddamn ball.
I have a (growing more laughable by the day) 401k.
I have Health Insurance w/ a dental plan.
I utilize a Flex Spending Account for out of pocket medical bills
I have a lawn mower
I have a Minivan
I have a sprinkler system
I have a dentist.
I have a financial advisor
I have legitimate business dealings outside of my work.
I have a retirement plan.
I have several TVs (two of them much bigger than I (or anyone really needs)
I have a Sam's Club membership, and a Costco membership.
I buy in bulk.
I have no hobbies.
I have no friends outside of work.
I take medications to keep my brain from exploding
I have a Neurologist
I have a psychiatrist AND a psychologist
I have a really hairy back.
I have been married nearly eleven years.
I have a schnoodle.
I make homemade matching Halloween costumes for the family.
Well? That's all I have for now. It's been a while, and I hope I can feel inspired enough to throw down a couple of Nutshells for the OGs every once in a while.
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