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A Zombie Family Christmas submitted 2009.07.23 10:44 AM by Thornicus viewed 1959 times


Yeah, I know Christmas is still more than 5 months away, but some of us were discussing the Brady Bunch in the chatroom and it reminded me of this old masterpiece I wrote a few years back...enjoy...




T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Brady Zombies were dining on humans and grouse;
For not long after their TV series had died,
They arose from the dead with renewed Brady pride.

Yes, it seems that their dear butcher comrade named Sam,
Had grown tired of not getting lines worth a damn.
So one night, in a bloodfest of beaters and knives,
Old Sam finally snapped and dispatched of their lives.

Armed with spatulas, basters, and mashers galore,
Sam made mincemeat from Alice, his "cheap, putrid whore!"
As for his love's employers, old Carol and Mike,
They were tenderized with a swift meat pounder strike.

Sneaking up to the bedroom of Bobby and Pete,
Sam discovered them suckling on brother Greg's meat.
"Fucking homos!" he growled. "Always knew you were flakes."
And he butchered them into delicious fruitcakes.

"Marcia, Marcia!" he heard in the bedroom next door,
And then Sam heard Jan's voice ring out "Marcia!" once more,
As he poked his head 'round to see what caused her fit,
He saw Marcia's head buried inside of Jan's clit.

Even worse, little Cindy was riding atop
Of Jan's face, as her sister licked up every drop;
Then the pubescent girls formed a sweet sixty-nine.
Who'd have thought a ménage à trois Brady divine?

Samuel entered the bedroom, loins fully engorged;
Though they cried, "Wait, Sam! Stop!", he continued to forge,
As he made his advances on all of the girls,
Beating them all to death, beating off on their curls.

With the family dispatched now, Sam spoke with a grin,
"Surely now there's no role that they can't star me in!"
But as Sam dragged the last carcass into the kitch',
Ann B. Davis jumped up and said, "Guess again, bitch!"

"You see, since you never 'delivered the meat',
I had to pursue other men for a treat.
So this Advent, I've dated a young man named Rob,
And although he's a zombie, he sure makes me throb!"

"Just a date or two later, Rob nibbled my ear,
And I thought to myself, 'Oh, he must be sincere!'
But wouldn't you know, I'm a zombie now, too!
I've infected the whole Brady clan - 'cept for you."

In a panic, Sam stood shocked with horror 'cross his face,
As each Brady around him arose up in their place.
Moving quickly toward Sam, they outnumbered him strong,
And while chewing his bones, burst into Christmas song:

HERE'S THE STORY OF A ZOMBIE LADY
WHO WAS CHEWING ON HER VERY LOVELY GHOULS!
ALL OF THEM HAD LIVER MOLD, LIKE THEIR MOTHER;
THE YOUNGEST ONE WITH SPORES!

HERE'S THE STORY OF THE ZOMBIE BRADY
WHO OWNED BEEF O' BRADY'S, SERVING ROTTEN MEAT!
AND HIS THREE BOYS, GREG, PETE, AND BOBBY,
HE ALWAYS LIKED TO EAT!

'TILL THE ONE NIGHT WHEN THE LADY MET THIS FELLOW
AND THEY DINED ON THEIR INTESTINES OVER LUNCH!
THEN THEY KNEW THEY WOULD FORM AN UNDEAD FAMILY!
THAT'S THE WAY THEY ALL DECAYED, THE ZOMBIE BUNCH!

THE ZOMBIE BUNCH!
THE ZOMBIE BUNCH!
THAT'S THE WAY THEY DECAYED, THE ZOMBIE BUNCH!



rating: 5


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