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The Church of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Latter Day Saints submitted 2009.05.17 07:10 PM by CATAL viewed 2352 times

Some of you may remember this as I posted it to Uber and the old pulseHEAD a while back.

HOWEVER, this is new and improved! I rewrote a whole bunch of it, rewording some sections and just adding a whole lot of depth to it. It's a bit longer than the original, but it's still following the same theme.

So if you read the old one or this is still new to you, go ahead and read it.


Hello, my name is Patrick and I'd like to talk to you today about my faith. I belong to the most holy and bodacious Church of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Latter Day Saints.

Did you know that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are not just a comic that spawned cartoon shows, movies, merchandise and the like?
Yes, it's true.

The story of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is actually a philosophical allegory on which our faith is based.
You see, it all began with the sacred path of the Mutant Ninja!

Long ago, in the time before time, when all was just and awesome and righteous, our Lord and God, Hamato Yoshi discovered the ancient rites of the Mutant Ninja and mastered their most holy and bodacious rights.

However, there arose great strife between Hamato Yoshi and another, the dreaded Oroku Saki! They battled for ages over the love of a woman, Tang Shen. In a jealous rage, Oroku Saki struck down Tang Shen and as Hamato Yoshi bent down to mourn her, Saki slew him in cold blood.

What Oroku Saki did not know and could never understand though, is that there was life beyond this one. Through his Mutant Ninja training and understanding, Hamato Yoshi had passed on to something greater: the Great Pizzeria of Paradise!

Recognizing that the people of the world would be subject to Oroku Saki's cruelties though, Hamato Yoshi sent us a savior, a messiah: his pet rat, Splinter.

Having passed down the sacred rites of the Mutant Ninja, Hamato Yoshi realized Splinter would need great power and ability to accompany his knowledge, so he secreted down upon him the Holy Ooze.

The Holy Ooze is the divine blessing of our Lord and God Hamato Yoshi. It is a part of him, his essence, which he secretes down upon certain special divine individuals who have proved themselves worthy and mastered the sacred rites of the Mutant Ninja. Splinter was the first to blessed in such a way.

It was bestowed upon Splinter to rise up and show us the path out of the Sewers of human misery and corruption. He is our Master with the sacred obligation to show us the light and to train us for our eventual congregation with our fellow ninja turtles in the great Pizzeria of Paradise.

Pizza you see, is a holy sacrament. Pizza is the holiest of all foods. Unlike other religions that teach moderation and that might deem such sacraments as reserved for special occasions, we believe Pizza should be consumed as much as desired and in some cases as much as possible, even for every meal, eating no other food but Pizza.

Pizza of course comes in many different shapes, sizes, styles and such, much like all people come in different shapes and sizes. Some Pizzas have cheddar cheese, some mozzarella, so have thick crusts, some thin, some have anchovies, some just pepperoni, some are calzones or Pizza pockets, some are served on bagels, some have triangular slices while others have square slices.

The many forms of Pizza represent the many forms of humanity. Black, white, red, yellow, brown, there is a Pizza for everybody!

There are those however, who choose not the way of Pizza and the Mutant Ninja. These are the ones who follow the dreaded Oroku Saki!

After our Lord and God, Hamato Yoshi passed on to the Great Pizzeria of Paradise, Oroku Saki took up the name of the Shredder to instill fear in all who defied him.

Shredder you see, is evil and represents tyranny and oppression. He cares nothing for you but twists your mind in order to further his own plans. He wishes to destroy Splinter and the Ninja Turtles, to seek revenge against Hamato Yoshi and enslave to world into his evil cult of the Foot Clan.

Those who choose not the way of the Mutant Ninja and subject themselves instead to the evil Shredder and his Foot Clan are called Foot Soldiers. They act contrary to everything the way of the Mutant Ninja represents. They prey on the weak of will and strength, they act cruelly spurn fun-loving attitudes. They care nothing for pizza and hate everything they see.

This is why Hamato Yoshi sent us Master Splinter to train the Ninja Turtles, so that we might have champions, a guiding light to lead us to the Great Pizzeria of Paradise.

The Ninja Turtles' origin lies shortly after Splinter himself was showered in our Lord's most holy Ooze and transformed into our Master Splinter. You see, Splinter sought out the most righteous and bodacious of creatures to aid him in his quest of liberating humanity. He came across four Teenage Turtles who exemplified the very characteristics that make the path of the Mutant Ninja great.

In a prayer to our Lord and God, the great Hamato Yoshi, Master Splinter beseeched him to grant us all the favor of secreting his Ooze once more, showering it down upon these Teenage Turtles to transform them fully into blessed Mutant Ninja, to make them the Archangels of our religion. Looking deeply into the souls of the Turtles, Hamato Yoshi was pleased with what he saw, so he granted us that favor.

Thus are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

As Archangels and Champions of the Sacred and Bodacious Path of the Mutant Ninja, each Ninja Turtle represents different aspects of the way of the Mutant Ninja.

Leonardo represents honor, justice, and brotherhood. He strives to lead us into the right and punish those who do evil. He helps the impoverished, the sick, and the needy. He forgives those who beg forgiveness and aids them on the path to righteousness.

Donatello represents intellect and ingenuity. He uses his mind and his skills to help himself and his brothers. He understands and appreciates both art and science so as to further the culture of society.

Michelangelo represents the fun loving aspect of humanity. We must give attention to time for fun and relaxation and enjoying life. What point is there to life if we never spend time to simply enjoy it?

Finally, Raphael represents tenacity, independence, and rebellion. He teaches us to support ourselves, to never give up and never surrender. He shows us to never give into tyranny and rebel against it, fighting for what is right. We cannot blindly accept the so-called "harsh realities of life," but rather fight against them and never compromise in the face of evil.

If we follow the teachings of the Ninja Turtles we can achieve Salvation and enjoy eternity in the Great Pizzeria of Paradise. However, in this life we must fight with them against the evil Shredder and his Foot Clan. We must remain vigilant, but compassionate. For you see, those of the Foot Clan are not lost forever. They are merely misguidance and in need of help. We must show the light.

Unfortunately, not all are capable of Salvation. Upon witnessing Hamato Yoshi's miracles of secreting the Ooze down upon Splinter and the Ninja Turtles, the evil Shredder devised his own twisted plan. He took his own vile ooze from his evil being and secreted it upon his own minions, the worst of the worst who had completely rejected Hamato Yoshi.

These are Bebop and Rocksteady, the Shredder's evil demons. They are incapable of being saved and exist only to serve the Shredder.

Humanity is caught in the middle of this terrible war between Hamato Yoshi and the evil Shredder. There lie ahead of us three paths available to all.

One, we could be of the Foot Clan, those who choose to do evil and follow the Shredder.
Two, we could be the common people, those undecided, neither corrupted nor saved.
Three, we could be followers of the great Hamato Yoshi. We can follow the sacred path of the Mutant Ninja and the examples set by such Saints of our religion as April O'Neal and Casey Jones.

April O'Neal and Casey Jones are members of the human race who became overwhelmed with the inherent goodness of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and joined the fight against the evil Shredder with them. They lead by example for all of humanity to follow. They are among the saved who choose to follow the ways of Splinter and the Ninja Turtles. This is my religion, The Church of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Latter Day Saints.

We align ourselves with good and justice and Pizza. We have seen the light and will be rewarded in the afterlife in the Great Pizzeria of Paradise where every gooey, cheesy bite is ecstasy and where choirs of Mutant Ninja Angel Turtles sing "Cowabunga!"

I hope our talk today has helped you see that light, thank you for your time, sirs and madams. I bid you Cowabunga and may Pizza be with you.

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