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No Excuses, pH! (Volume 2: The best way to condition an unconditioned body)

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ESSAY SUBMITTED BY OathMeal AT 2009.04.15 11:02 AM | VIEWED 241 TIMES

CONTENT

I woke up this morning feeling especially awesome, so I figured I would complete installment #2 of everyone's favorite physical fitness series!

[Applause]

Thank you. Now sit down and hold your questions until the end (unless they have to do with cosmology or pre-Socratic philosophy in which case I'll be happy to offer a tangent from today's topic).

During our last visit, we discussed metabolism - why it's important and how it helps to keep you in shape even when you're not exercising. Hopefully you aren't so dense as to have already forgotten the key points - but if you are, have a reread: http://pulsehead.com/263/No%20excuses,%20pH!%20(Volume%201%20-%20back%20by%20popular%20demand:%20Metabolism)

Today, I'm going to outline a few steps you can take to begin a new exercise regimen that, if you happen to be a pasty fatass, won't be so painful as to have you giving up before your 3rd set of dumbbell curls.

If you're NOT horribly out of shape with an amoebic figure and cheeto-stained fingers, then you can probably still benefit from this just as a reminder of how to ease into a more intense work out routine than the one you might already be used to.

First, some relevant statistics:

- More than 60% of adults don't get the 'recommended' amount of regular physical activity. What's more, 25% of all adults are not active at all. This stat is NOT uniquely American though America is the #1 fattest country in the world by a huge margin. ( http://www.weightloss-hq.biz/weight-loss-reviews/the-fattest-country-america-at-risk.html )

- For every 1 pound of muscle you gain, your body burns an extra 50 calories per day. If you burn off 5 lbs. of fat and replace it with 5 lbs. of muscle, you'd burn an extra 250 calories per day, not doing SHIT.

- Over 50% of people who start an exercise program GIVE UP within the first 12 months. I find this to be heartbreaking, because if someone has the gall to actually start working out, they should be reaping the benefits of their efforts in SHORT order, thus motivating them to continue. Sadly this doesn't happen because, in my opinion, they're taking on too much too soon and expecting more than is realistic.

...so let's consider a few things that offer a more optimistic perspective for ye of little faith:

- Building muscle takes place immediately after muscle exhaustion. So basically you could be inadvertently building more muscle in 24 hours if you just worked out today for the first time in months.
- Muscle exhaustion can be reached in less than 60 seconds for ANY muscle group.
- Working out does NOT have to be painful or uncomfortable even for the most gelatinous fatasses among us.

So the point is, if you have even a shred of will, you can begin building muscle and burning calories WITHOUT EVEN GETTING OFF YOUR COUCH.

"What?! You mean I don't have to go to the gym to get ripped like you, Oathy?" ...you ask.

I didn't say that. Stop jumping to conclusions.

I said you can begin building muscle without even standing up or leaving your house.

HOW!?

One word: isometrics

The definition of an isometric exercise is this: a type of strength training in which the joint angle and muscle length do not change during contraction (compared to concentric or eccentric contractions, called isotonic movements). [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isometric_exercise ]

In simpler terms, an isometric exercise contracts a muscle without actually moving the joint it's attached to.

Here's an example of an isometric exercise to begin building muscle in the bicep:

Step 1: Place one arm at a 90 degree angle, at your side, palm facing up.
Step 2: Place your opposite hand on the palm of your bent arm.
Step 3: Contract your bent arm bicep while pushing down with the other hand, and hold the contraction for 10 seconds, gradually adding intensity.
Step 4: Rest for 6-10 seconds and repeat 4-6 times.

Congratulations. You just initiated your body's natural process of building muscle without even getting off your ass.

There are plenty examples of isometric exercises out there that focus on various parts of the body. I would suggest that you begin a schedule of isometrics that is very conservative at first, perhaps only doing 15-20 minutes of them 3-4 times a week. Then, getting into actual resistance training with weights will become MUCH less shocking to the body.

If you do this right, you WILL feel sore the next day(s). This is called Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness (DOMS), and it's really just a symptom of muscular exhaustion that necessarily precedes rebuilding. Yes, you have to actually tear down muscles for them to be built back up, bigger and leaner.

So then.

Thanks to your good pal Oathy, you are now armed with all you need to just get started building muscle. And, as I've illustrated, you don't even have to fucking LEAVE YOUR HOUSE to do it.

In my next installment, I'll be ramping it up a bit with some actual set and rep routines that have helped sculpt me into the Adonis-like man I am today (Volume 3: Oathmealtastic set/rep routines) . While you will never quite reach my exact likeness, you can get pretty close.

Onwards, pH-ers. You have no excuses.

RATING: 11

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