|Landing on the Mountains of Meggido submitted 2014.12.22 06:02 AM by Symbolic_ viewed 1552 times|
|"Lost in the sky, clouds roll by and I roll with them."|
It's been a really long time since I've been here, so sorry about that. Not seeking a reunion, or a celebration, just a moment at reflection through a medium I forgot about for a while.
Life has been weird, I feel it flowing less and less. Though this was something that bothered me for a long while, and I grasped desperately at straws to maintain whatever it was I considered a norm, I'm more content with things now. I don't know why exactly, it's probably because I'm facing my own mortality at this point. The very idea that I might have diabetes is setting in, given certain symptoms, and also carpal tunnel syndrome. I'm no doctor so I can't comment as to whether the aforementioned is fact, just know that it's a possibility that has me reflecting in ways on things that I previously hadn't. I did find out I'm slightly color blind which is weird, to certain shades of green and apparently it's genetic. It's trippy looking at the color cards and knowing you're supposed to be seeing something, and trying your hardest to conceive of something that isn't there for you. I have to wonder to what purpose and design something like this comes about for someone? It is such a minor inconvenience and barely noticeable. The reality of insurance and commerce, just two things that weigh me down.
Debt is such a funny thing. They say it carries over to the after life, to what purpose and reason, I don't know. If the debt they mean is some sort of spiritual resonance then I completely understand, but if it is purely monetary debts accrued throughout ones life then I'm in a disagreement and a disadvantage. I don't like knowing I owe money for various reasons to different things. Some of it I can pay at different given times, most of it I can't because then I would go without eating decently and have to make do with scraping the bottom of the barrel for a long period of time. Some of this debt was from being young and foolish, well I'd wager most debt is for most people. I can't complain about it, much less talk about it because that's not what adults are supposed to do. Adults are supposed to turn rage inwards into depression and such.
I digress, (think that's the first time I've ever used that in a sentence) Job wise things are ok. I'm supposed to be promoted, and here and there get taught different new things which is good. People ask me about my progress on it and I'm like "Yeah it's happening." I'm not sure why I get asked all the time, if it's by insult or genuine curiosity. I've known insult veiled by friendship many a times in my life. I guess it's one of those things that is happening at a pace I expected, and with holidays and such it's happening at a slower pace than usual. I get the feeling they want me to go above and beyond and really take the reigns on this thing, which I've all but been told that explicitly. Part of me knows I need to, part of me needs the extra time I have for rest and to quiet my constant chattering mind.
Saw that word big and bold below, brought up a very interesting point. My job allows me insight into complete strangers lives and preferences, though only brief and not enough information to give a complete analysis. My favorite ideas, are the people who have genuinely convinced themselves that they can't eat X without Y. X being a type of food, and Y being either another type of food, beverage or condiment. People will get angry over this fact if you present them X and don't give them their Y. They will go to great lengths to let you know the level of intolerance they have for such a thing. They will forsake you and the company you stand with/for, denounce and repent. I have often wanted to start a charity or some sort of foundation in support of these people. They get as passionate about this subject as someone who finds out they have cancer or HIV sometimes. I'm not supposed to care about that though, I'm supposed to only care if they can pay for X or Y and be happy they're paying for X and Y because that keeps the lights on, and a paycheck coming my way. The other half of the job is feeling like feeding time at the zoo. People will stare at you, sans their humanity, like a lion in a cage waiting for his steak. Well in reality, you're in the cage passing out the steak to the lions outside. You see the archaic animalistic side of human beings though. You get an idea what primitive man must have looked like before he came upon his kill. Dunno, the last thing to say about it is, a lot of people have convinced themselves of things that shouldn't matter as much as they believe. Then you realize it's not your place to care about such things and it's their life and their choices. They have to deal with the fact that they treated you like you were less than human and in such a negative fashion. More than likely they will, it may take a while, but most negativity you put out into the world comes back to you at it's own pace.
That aside, I'm ok with the calendar year. I wish we could have at least one new different holiday added in a dull month every year. Or maybe just a holiday that is interchangeable and different with each passing year with different customs. We appoint one person each year to invent a holiday and its customs and give people six months notice of what to do on this day just to shake things up. We need more days with Christmas lights is my thing, and more excuses to use fireworks within city limits. That's the only thing I really hate about Christmas/New Years, people take down their decorations and the neighborhoods feel soooo much more lifeless. I remember one time me and my g/f were walking around the neighborhood looking at Christmas lights from the sidewalk, and some guy came out of his house staring at us when we were looking at his lights. Couldn't see his face, but the abruptness of his arrival and demeanor gave me the idea he didn't like us being there. To me it was like, why put up lights if you don't want people to enjoy seeing them? Nothing happened and we left, but it was an odd moment that stuck out.
One thing that's funny though, I can still remember my youth to some degree. I miss the opportunities I had, and a lot of the things I used to do sometimes. I guess I miss the people most of all, but due to life being so chaotic and all of us growing at different paces, we're all drifting apart. It's just how it goes and I don't mind that so much I have my memories for now and that is enough for now. There are times I've wondered if I've caused issue of some kind with some people, if they don't contact me merely because of some insult they feel I visited upon their person. Perhaps not insult, but perhaps some kind of disagreement upon my person place or thing. Wait, let's clean that language up a bit. In reality there are probably some people I should apologize to for different reasons. More than likely I've forgotten those reasons but I would probably apologize anyways if someone brought it to my attention, I'm not the young person that made the mistakes we're talking about anymore any how, at least I hope I'm not. Though, it'd probably be easier if I contacted any of the aforementioned people myself and got to the bottom of this if possible. It is what it is, some people are meant to wander in and out of your life. Still, if you're reading this I more than likely miss you to some capacity even if I never say it or make it known some how.
I've made more peace with things in these last few paragraphs than I have in the past few years and thank you for the opportunity to do so. I hope to one day be free from the idea of needs and wants in this world, and some of the ideas of ego that plague this body of mine. Old wounds and habits die hard.
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